Put a finger up if you’re ready to self-reflect.☝🏾️
A “few” years ago, I got my first degree in Philosophy and Psychology, and even though this “fun fact’ may not have been necessary here, I’ll find a way to tie into today’s gist (as we pretend that this letter couldn’t have existed just fine without it).
So, in Psychology, you see, there's an age-old Nature-Nurture debate that borders on what essentially makes people the way they are. What affects their thinking, behaviors, and personality. Is it Nature: genetic makeup by virtue of birth? Or Nurture: environmental influences, and things picked up along the way.
What’s your take, though? Do you think how we are born determines how we are and act or is it how we are raised?
Truth is, this has always been an interesting and quite frankly, a never-ending debate as a strong case can be made for either of the two.
That said, I can bet my Samsung Note 8 (which I abandoned after hearing how much it would cost to fix the broken screen) that you have quite some files stowed away in what I call the “that’s the way I am" folder. Although, a lot of times, thought isn't really given to the "Why" of that.
Why are you that way? Really? Do you know?
As scary and uncomfortable as that question can seem, it is a necessary part and path to growth & self-awareness. To get to the point in life where you are right now, you must have encountered people growing up. In one way or the other, you would have had parents, guardians, neighbors, teachers, classmates, friends, and a whole bunch of others. Like it or not, these people contributed a great deal to the way you are today. Your experiences are a vital part of what informs the way you think and act. On the other end of that stick is perception, the way experience is interpreted.
No matter how great a childhood you had, or even if you had amazing parents—like I did, or maybe the schools you attended were really sound and nurturing, do you know what? It is practically IMPOSSIBLE to not have had ANY traumatic experience(s).
Contrary to popular belief “trauma” isn’t always attached to an extreme situation, like a terrible motor accident or the tragic loss of parents at a young age, or even sexual abuse. Trauma isn’t some estranged phenomenon that only a select few with spectacular stories are privy to. Trauma, unfortunately, lives in every home, every street, every class, every relationship, it lurks around simple conversations, it exists everywhere there is a human presence and/or interaction. According to Psylegal “Most people will experience a traumatic event in their life at one time or another. Trauma has no boundaries and can affect anyone regardless of age, race, or gender, and because not all traumatic experiences are the same…”
It is worthy of note that trauma should not be defined by the nature of the event but the impact it had on a person. Trauma is not attached to any event, no matter how disastrous that event seems. People might have similar experiences like the events mentioned earlier such as accident; loss; or abuse, but interpret it differently, consequently, it might lead to trauma or it might just be something to remember that had no real damaging impact. Trauma is determined more by the subject than the object.
“The impact of trauma can be subtle, insidious, or outright destructive. How an event affects an individual depends on many factors, including characteristics of the individual, the type and characteristics of the event(s), developmental processes, the meaning of the trauma, and sociocultural factors.” - National Center for Biotechnology Information.
Knowing this, it is then our job and responsibility to look deeper into ourselves, as we try to better understand and empathize with other people’s reactions to things.
Most of our present conflicts are rooted in encounters that made or marred us in the past. We do ourselves a great disservice by running circles around them instead of seeking them out in an attempt to minimize the negative hold they have on us.
In simple terms, can you trace the source of your limiting belief, fear or trauma?
What encounters did you have that opened a trauma door? It is important to revisit the past to make the future more like how we would like it. It's kind of like time travel, where you get to ask your younger self what s/he went through that “made” you the way you are now.
Think of it like this, we all have guns, whether we like it or not, by virtue of birth and experiences, life handed us guns. If you knew you had a gun, wouldn't it be wise to locate it and make sure it won't harm you or anyone else? Wouldn’t you rather make sure the safety is turned on to protect yourself and others?
One way to identify trauma points is to take note of your triggers. We all have triggers, and those triggers point to events and things that might have rubbed us the wrong way and didn't heal well. These are indicators of trauma.
Doing a four-year university program in seven years may not have been a traumatic experience for me, but being dumped by a girl in first year, after just one day of dating only to go out with my best friend might have scarred me deeply. The reverse might be the case for others, for you. It might have been that thing you were told, by that person on that fateful day, or what that person you care(d) about did, you know which one I’m talking about. Or maybe it was one of the big ones, it doesn't really matter what, what matters is how it affected you and what you can do to take back that part of your life.
In the hustle and bustle of everyday life, we shouldn't be so busy that we get blindsided by an inability to identify our triggers. That thing might have caused you trauma in the past, but you have an opportunity to trace those triggers and take back its power.
Keep Breathing.
References
Psylegal (Retrieved August 27, 2020)
https://www.psylegal.com.au/3-main-types-trauma/
National Center for Biotechnology Information (NCBI)
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK207191/
Nicely written. Thanks!
Made me really think of how we all are victims of some kind of trauma.
If only there was a way to discover the trauma in each person before embarking on a friendship or relationship with them… how different will they turn out? How different will our day-to-day be?
"It is worthy of note that trauma should not be defined by the nature of the event but the impact it had on a person."❤️💡
I have alot of things to say. I don't even know where to start but for now, Thank you for communicating effectively. It was such an interesting read.
Sorry about your heartbreak from your one day relationship.🙊🫂